Wednesday, 21 October 2009

A small slice of mind pie

Recently, i havnt been having the greatest time with things.
Its an accumilated result of many aspects of my life....
No job, bad health, lack of money, nothing to do.... etc etc

So, because of this i havnt been exactly the most sociable person ever.... and well, im not very at the best of times

I dont find it wasy to make friends, as i dont figure i have anything good to offer.... people tell me i do, and its not that i dont believe them, but having so little self esteem, and being bullied, neglected and so on for most of my life doesnt help matters.

Just to try and put who i am into words i'm going to bring differant parts of my personality into the light

To start with, i didnt have the best upbringing. I dont mean to blame my parents for anything, but i never had a father figure for the msot important years of my life.... i was never taught to shave, or went fishing.... and it was my mum who taught me about girls and everything....
We never had alot of money, so straight away people thought themselves better than me, just because i had a different jumper to them at school, or didnt have money for the tuck shop....
my dad cant even remember my name.... to him, im a number.... which is livable with, most of the time.... but sometimes i just want to know he remembers me.
I never had many friends growing up, or thru primary school.... so the idea of making friends come high school was lost to me.... and still is now. even the friends i did make, i find it hard to talk to them, or open up to them....
only two people have really met my dad, let alone my family.
(ive given up on proper capitals etc, as i know this will be long)

i understand that people cant mindread, so they wont know if im having a bad time unless i tell them, but sometimes its just nice for someone to say hi now and and again, and make you feel remembered
even my closest friends dont know much about me, how i feel or function....
and again, theres proberbly two that do.... though one is no longer a part of my life

i cant even imagine the pressure this puts on the one person who does know me.... and i hate being a burden to them, and relying on them for things.... but theres times when ive had an utterly shit day, or week when i just need to rant and get things out of my system

but of course, i still hold back.... and rather say i vunerable, i act an arsehole, and no doubt make them resent me....

so i need them, and want them, but am constantly pushing them away....
i feel if they really knew my deepest thoughts, they wouldnt see the point of being friends with me. this is in no way thinking i know what they think, or feel.... its just my self depreatiating thoughts entering into my actions.
i seem myself as so unimpotant and worthless, i cant understand why people want me around. so of course, that pushes them away more.... when i actually want them close to me
vicous cycle....

im proberbly seeming really selfish by now.... and i dont mean to. i can connect with people, and understand how they feel when they are having problems, and would do anything to help them.... id put anybody else before my own needs.

living with depression is never easy.... its almost as if my own mind was against me, and turns the best moments into the worst. for no reason i can just slip into a mood where i feel everything is against me, and i cant do anything right. and then when i do try to explain things, it always comes out wrong.... but rather than try to explain how things really are, i give up.
i guess in a way, id rather have people think bad things of me, and want nothing to do with me, than ask for help, or show who i really am....
for many years id cut myself, just to have something to take my mind off everything going on. it was never about killing myself.... just, perhaps, trying to make my thoughts into a pyhsical sign....

being constantly bullied, or put down, for no reason, or because i was differant or because my dad is disabled never helped matters. though over time i grew to accept it. and thought they must do it for a reason. and maybe they were right.

out of my brothers and sisters, im the most like my dad. in looks, and personality, etc. so when i found out the doctors said they may be something wrong with my brain, and found an abnormal patch.... i retreated even more into myself. i try to keep myself single, because if anything serious did ever happen.... and i did become seriously ill.... i couldnt put someone thru what my mum had to see, and still lives with.
the patch is at the front of the left hand side of my brain.... which is what controls your personality, and emotions.... so that may well be, partly, what makes me this way....

also, i guess i dont want to grow close to anybody and devolope a relationship with somebody due to past experience. i know not everybody is the same. but all i know is from my previous girlfriends, or people ive liked etc

i have the habit of taking things too personly. which doesnt seem a good thing to do.... as it leads to putting myself down again, and adding to low self esteem, which then leads ot me annying/upsetting the people i really dont want to be losing.

that enough for now.
basically, im fucked. in no small part due to myself

Saturday, 17 October 2009

life is beige

recently, ive realised how bad my life has actually gotten.
my days mostly consist of watching tv, playing computer games, going to the pub and then messing about on the internet untill 4 in the morning.
no social life outside of my family, other than who i see at the pub.

i barely see any of the people i grew up with, or were friends with at school.

i havnt spoken to my best friend in a week, and havnt seen her in over a year....
so i suppose i shouldnt be allowed to use the prefix of best anymore really.

and, ive put on weight. not good.... ive always been big, but now its just silly.

i cant say life is bad. as its not. well, not as bad as some. but its not good either. its just neutral.

my life is beige. the worst colour of them all. bleurgh.

living like this does have some perks i guess;

i get to watch alot of good tv programmes, and films (zombieland is totally awesome)
i can read alot
and just be lazy, whilst other people are in an office smashing a keyboard into their head

well actually thats about it, and being lazy isnt that great. unless your previous week was full of work and tiresome activities.

doesnt do much for my confidence, or social apptitude.
i mean, im no where near good looking, and i dont think a single girl has ever fancied me, but now im just an ugly-unemployed-badhealth-antisocial nodoby.
rather than an ugly person with alot of money ;)

i guess there isnt much point in this.
thats why i havnt been blogging much, nothing interesting to say

if i trick myself into thinking i actually have someone to talk to, and is interested in how i am, my life wont seem so sad....